Parenting is not “one size fits all” but there are some basic concepts that are helpful for most parents, children, and families. Having consistent routines (mealtimes, bedtimes) and clear rules is a good starting point. Every family will have different rules. It is important all caregivers are consistent with rules and follow through.

• Get curious not furious (with yourself and your child). “Why am I responding like I did?” “What is going on for my child?” Is my child just acting “bad” or is there something else going on?
• Validation needs to come before change- “You are angry/annoyed/frustrated that you had to wash the dishes when you wanted to continue to play your video game?”, “I get frustrated too when I have to do something I don’t want to do.” Understanding does not mean you do not want to change behavior. We want to teach children that it is okay to feel any of the feelings but that certain behaviors are not okay. For example: “It’s okay to feel frustrated but it’s not okay to yell or hit”. Give children choices about what they can do when they feel painful emotions (talk to someone, have a break in their bedroom, jump on trampoline, color). Validating emotions, or expressing understanding, does not mean that learning or change is not required. * Parents also need to model this for children. For example, talking about the emotions they are feeling and taking a break, if needed, or engaging in self care or self-compassion.
• What are your goals as a parent? For example, to raise children who can be flexible, can tolerate emotional discomfort, problem solve… Does your parenting style fit with those goals?
• What are your values as a parent? If I interviewed your children when they were adults what would you like them to tell me about the kind of parent you were? Maybe you want to be fun, caring, flexible, organized, understanding…. See how it is to let those values guide your behavior rather than reacting to your own painful emotions, thoughts, or body sensations. Notice how two seemingly opposing values can coexist. For example, I can be fun and organized/consistent.
• When parenting paying attention to what you want to see is more effective than correcting what you do not want to see. Catch children being “good”. For example: “I like the way you started your homework without being asked”, “that was so kind when you shared your toy with your brother”, “I saw how you really listened to your friend when he was having a difficult time”.
• Decide on behaviors that need to have a consequence and consequence consistently. Think about the behaviors that need to be corrected. For most people these are behaviors that cause harm to others, animals included here too, or to property. Highly disruptive response can also be targeted (yelling swearing) as well as socially problematic behaviors (lying, bullying). Consequences will depend on the severity of the behavior and age of the child. Whenever possible choose consequences that are logical to the problem (apologizing, helping to clean up or fix something that was broken). Other helpful consequences are timeouts (for children aged 3-12) or taking away privileges (for youth age 12-18 years).
• Ignore any behaviors you can. Ignoring is a strategy to stop undesirable behavior, and it does not mean that behavior is okay. For example, whining or annoying behavior is something you can often ignore. If you consistently do not respond, chances are your child will not use it anymore.
• Change is gradual and every child is different. Be patient and choose which behaviors you want to focus your attention on. Do what you need to do to help your child experience success. For example: if you need to be in the room with your child so he or she will clean it do that, and then slowly reduce the help as required.

Written by Registered Psychologist with Wildflowers, Alison Campbell.