Finding The Balance Parenting Teenagers
The end of another school year is in sight, and for some students this means their final year of Elementary School. This is a significant milestone for parents and teenagers. The young people are leaving the nest of where they have been nurtured and guided since kindergarten (THANK YOU to all teachers and school staff!). For parents it does not seem it was long ago that we were toilet training, tweaking sleep schedules, managing play dates, and introducing our children to extra-curricular activities. Parents have been working with their kids over the years to promote and strengthen independence.
With helpful reminders from parents, most teens have mastered various responsibilities at home. As parents we are elated that household tasks like making school lunches, helping with household chores, doing laundry, and assisting with yard work are incorporated into home routines. Outside of the home teens can practice being independent and responsible. As our kids transition into a new phase of development, parents are faced with gradually letting go while they establish independence outside of the home. Teenagers rely less on their parents as they look towards their peers for opinions, values, approval and feedback.
While parents may feel they are being ignored, it is a normal for teenagers to spend less time with family and more time with friends and peer groups. They are focussed more on making their own decisions and relying less on their parents for guidance along the way. This is the time for parents to find the balance in recognizing developmentally normal behaviors. Understanding normal teenage development can help parents recognize what is typical and what to expect during the teenage years.
Normal Teenage Behavior
- Spending more time alone in bedroom.
- Challenging rules and being more argumentative with parents.
- Having mood swings.
- Not being as interested in things they enjoyed as a child.
- Taking on behavior like their peers.
- Establishing strong connections with friends and friend groups.
- Explore dating and intimacy.
- Spend more time on how the dress or appear.
- Spending more time with friends.
- Not wanting to share where they are going and who they are spending time with.
Talk with your teen about values
- Review as a family what values have been important over the years. Examples can include caring/self-care, fun, humour, honesty, kindness, respect, being friendly, and responsibility.
- Ask your teenager what they identify as values.
- Point out to your teen values that their friends share with them.
- Live consistently with your values as a parent to lead by example.
Communicate With Your Teen
- Continue to set consistent limits and guidelines while also being flexible.
- Continue to build a positive relationship with your teenager.
- Find the balance between being too strict and being too lenient.
- Ask specific questions about their day.
- Respond rather than react when they make a mistake or push a boundary. Create a safe talking environment by not yelling.
- Offer feedback without sounding judgemental. Ex: “maybe next time it would be better to make a plan ahead of time instead of expecting to be able to do this the same day”.
- Offer praise when they make positive choices.
Help your teen problem solve difficult situations ahead of time
- Help them learn how to walk away from situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
- Teach them to trust their sixth sense – that gut feeling that something is not right.
- Help your teenager set healthy boundaries and learn to say no.
- Be an example. This can include responsible driving, staying calm during challenging situations, living life in line with your values, and practicing self-compassion.
Written by Jenny Lyons-Mouyios, Registered Social Worker with Wildflowers
