The Power of Empathy in Resolving Relationship Conflicts

The Power of Empathy in Resolving Relationship Conflicts

One of the most common questions I am asked during the first couples therapy appointment is “Is this normal?” and my answer is almost always a heartfelt, yes! The issue that brought them into therapy may be unique to their situation, but being stuck within the emotional dynamic of conflict is a reality that many couples face. It may be that one person is overwhelmed with the long list of tasks needed for running a household and caring for the people within it, while the other person has a completely different list, or no list at all. It could also be the person who gets home from work and sees the chaos of suppertime preparation, while two kids tear up the house and asks the well-intentioned but often dreaded question; “How can I help?”. Or it could be the couple so exhausted at the end of the day that they have little left for each other and it creates resentment that they aren’t their best, most loving selves. No matter what the reason, many couples can struggle to see the person that they fell in love with through the demands placed upon them each day. Once this happens, it’s hard not to look at them through the lens of your own frustration and hurt instead of kindness, love, and empathy. 

The presence of empathy is incredibly important for all relationships. It lets us see past ourselves and spend time in the shoes of the other person, seeing the issue from their perspective, emotions, and triggers. For many couples, difficulty seeing each other is at the root of their conflicts. Whenever something comes up, they get stuck in the hurt, resentment, or anger that their partner’s actions create in them, based on their perceptions of the situation without being able to see their partner’s side. Being able to acknowledge both your feelings and your partner’s needs is key to managing relationship conflict. 

Empathy is not about suppressing our feelings or remaining in unsafe situations, but instead, it is recognizing how our perceptions create barriers to communication. A common example of this is when one partner comments that the other partner never helps around the house, which is almost always met with a defensive retort. This then spirals into a conversation filled with criticism and defensiveness, until someone shuts downs and walks away. In this situation the first partner was unable to see barriers to collaboration for the second partner and the second partner was unable to see how overwhelmed the first partner is. Neither is able to truly see each other’s needs so they get stuck in the same recurring conversation. These situations of feeling unseen and unheard is where resentment starts to build and relationships begin to struggle. We stop seeing the person that we love and we start to see an adversary. The relationship moves from “we” to “me”. 

The good news is that empathy is something that we all possess. It is what helped most of us fall in love. When we first met, we spent so much time diving into the thoughts and feelings of each other that it became a place almost as familiar to us as ourselves. It became your home and the foundation upon which every other milestone in your relationship was built. 

In couples counselling, we help you see the partner you fell in love with through your own perceptions. We help you see them behind their words. This can be done in many ways but one of my favourite methods is the Gottman-Rapoport intervention. It’s a complicated sounding name for a very simple task. Listen to your partner without interrupting, fixing, or becoming defensive. Deeply and actively listen to them. Their job is to tell you their story without blaming, shaming, or criticism. This is framed in the format of “I feel, about this thing, and I need this from you”. At the end, the listener repeats back what they heard and the speaker gets a chance to let them know if they understood or if something was missed. Then the roles are reversed so each person gets a chance being heard and speaking. This new way of speaking and listening doesn’t solve the problem, but it paves the way to being able to understand each other, which is needed to be able to move forward in conflict. It also helps you to start reconnecting and healing from the resentment that is often caused by conflicts. 

Empathy is key to working through conflicts and keeping relationships strong. Using tools like the Gottman-Rapoport intervention can really help partners talk and listen to each other better. This approach encourages open conversations where both people feel heard and understood, reducing defensiveness and helping them see each other’s side. By focusing on empathy, couples can build a stronger connection and handle challenges more smoothly, leading to a happier and more supportive relationship.

Written by: Cody MacSorley, Social Worker with Wildflowers