When the Past is “Present” in a Couple Relationship
When the Past is “Present” in a Couple Relationship
Couples often seek therapy when communication feels strained, conflict escalates quickly, or a sense of disconnection has settled into the relationship. While these challenges may show up in the present, their roots are often shaped much earlier. One influential factor can be family-of-origin attachment experiences, which deeply affect how safe, connected, and secure a person feels in intimate relationships.
Through an attachment lens, safety and connection are learned in early relationships. When caregivers are emotionally open and consistently available, they offer a stable and secure experience. Closeness is not conditional. Children learn they are worthy of care and love simply by existing. The unspoken message is powerful: you can rest here; you are safe here; you don’t have to earn love.
Behavior always serves a purpose. When a person’s nervous system has been shaped by scarcity, criticism, unpredictability, or chaos, offering or receiving closeness later in life can feel complicated. In adult relationships, this can make it difficult to give or receive what therapist Vienna Pharaon calls “goodness.”
Pharaon describes goodness as expressions of compliments, praise, adoration, validation, appreciation, gratitude, love, kindness, playfulness, closeness, and intimacy. While these expressions are often essential to healthy connection, for some people they can feel uncomfortable or even threatening.
Goodness may have been associated with unpredictability or emotional danger in the past, or it may feel unfamiliar because it was inconsistently offered—or absent altogether—during childhood or in previous relationships. As a result, kindness and care can feel hard to trust. What is unfamiliar to the nervous system is often experienced as unsafe, even when it is positive.
In her book The Origins of You, Vienna Pharaon identifies five core origin wounds: worthiness, prioritization, belonging, trust, and safety. These wounds can show up in adult relationships in subtle but impactful ways. They may look like:
- feeling uneasy when consistency or kindness is present,
- always anticipating something will go wrong
- bracing for rejection.
- They can also appear as pulling away when acknowledgment or gratitude is offered,
- overextending oneself by prioritizing others’ needs.
- Withholding kindness altogether, rooted in fears such as, “If I give, my partner will stop trying,” or “If I soften, I’ll lose control”.
- Kindness is minimized or deflected with humour.
While these behaviors can be painful for both partners, they are often attempts at self-protection rather than intentional harm.
When viewed through an attachment-informed lens, these patterns can be understood as strategies that once helped a person feel safe. However, while they may have been adaptive in the past, they no longer serve the relationship and can become harmful over time. Understanding this offers compassion and context. It explains relational dynamics that may feel deeply hurtful, but it is never an excuse for harm.
With awareness, support, and intentional work, couples can begin to offer their nervous systems a new experience—one rooted in safety, consistency, and genuine connection.
If you’re interested in exploring these patterns or would like support in your couple relationship, we’re here for you.
References:
Pharaon, Vienna LMFT. (July 18, 2024) *The Origins of You: How to Break Free From Family Patterns That Shape Us*. Piatkus Publishing,
Blog Post Written by: Lorna Brothen, Registered Social Worker with Wildflowers
